Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

J. Jonah Jerkson
Sun Oct 24, 2004 at 01:11:44 am EDT
Subject
The Baroness, Part 6b. Who says I'm a totally lame villain?
[ Reply ] [ New ] [ Email To Friend ] [ Printable ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Next In Thread >>



[Continued from previous post]

”Honored lady, this is a special emergency,” Miss Sumida replied in Japanese. ”It’s about your half of the gold.”

Scowling, Akiko Masamune opened the cellphone and carried on a rapid conversation in Japanese. At its end, she beckoned Miss Sumida to remove the cellphone, and then turned to Elizabeth von Zemo with icy eyes.

“Elizabeth, I just received some disturbing news about my half of the gold.” The Baroness merely directed an amused look at the crime boss; after a long pause, Akiko continued. Score a point for me, Elizabeth von Zemo thought.

“You know, I’m perfectly used to seeing my – assistants – without a finger joint or two. But I’ve just been told that a number of them are losing their toes.”

“Imagine that,” Elizabeth replied coolly.

“It’s how they are losing their toes that concerns me. That material you sprayed all over the gold . . . .”

“My ‘Compound Double-X’.”

“Well, my people just can’t get a grip on the gold bars. It’s as if the special clothing and tools you arranged for have stopped working. And now the gold is sliding out of the truck faster than we loaded it, my men are dropping 50 kilo bars on their feet and everything else, the bars are sliding around on the floor of the cargo bay like pinballs in a Pachinko game and half of my men are doing pratfalls on the concrete floor. Could you possibly have anything to do with this?”

“Of course.” The Baroness dropped her air of nonchalance and adopted a cold, harsh voice. “You thought you could cut yourself in for 50% of MY take, just for providing a few bullyboys, a truck and an airplane? Well, darling, I keep my word, you got half the gold. I’m so sorry that you forgot to ask me about the rated life of my Phenomenal Friction spray, but we all make mistakes.”

“It won’t take very long for the Hong Kong police to start snooping around a warehouse full of bumper-car gold bars, Beth, and I’m afraid my hospitality has come to an end. I’m sure they’ll treat you very nicely before turning you over to the FBI. Say hello to Martha Stewart when you meet her in prison.”

“It’s your warehouse, your plane and your gold, dear. You still have a chance to keep them all and avoid being on the run from every police force in Interpol, but you’ll need to make a deal with me quickly.”

“And what would that deal be?”

“You keep the gold, but you wire all but 10% of its value to this account in the Caymans, Akiko.” She handed a card to her lunchmate. “Then I tell your lunkheads how to move the bars.”

Akiko snarled.

“Come on, dearie, you still make $3.4 million on this deal. And we can finish lunch.”

”Masamune-sama, the TV stations and the police are scrambling their helicopters. We have little time."

“Fine,” snapped Akiko. She gave orders for wiring the money to Elizabeth’s account, and then turned back to her former comrade in crime. “Aren’t you going to have your salad, now?”

“Not until I receive the confirmation.” The Baroness flashed a small PDA with an obvious antenna at her hostess. A few moments passed. “Ah, there it is now.” Very well, Akiko, just tell your bullyboys to slosh something acidic on their gloves and shoes and stuff and they’ll work again. Vinegar, orange juice, battery acid, sour milk or anything acid will do just fine.”

The crime lord beckoned to Miss Sumida again and gave new orders. Elizabeth, meanwhile, turned to her salad and ate slowly, enjoying every nuance of flavor. “It’s yummy, Akiko,” she sneered a few minutes later. “Why don’t you have yours?”

“I’ve lost my appetite.”

Further repartee was prevented by the reappearance of Akiko’s telephone girl, bearing the pink cellphone again. After another short colloquy, Akiko turned to her guest with the beginnings of a smile. “It worked. The gold is on its way to its destination. Of course, Beth, you realize what I have to do now.” With a tiny nod toward the door, Akiko summoned a half dozen of her Ass-Raping Ninjas to surround the blonde. “You put up a good front, Miss Dewdrop, but an amateur like you has no idea of what my ninjas can do to extract information. Transfer all of your cash back to me now, plus the formulas for Compound XX and that spray, and I’ll let you go with your mind and body mostly intact.”

“Ah-ah-ah,” Elizabeth smirked. ”You forgot the Zemo Personal Force Field – or more likely, you never heard of it, newcomer that you are. None of your silly ninjas are going to lay a hand on me, dear. But you’re right, it’s time for me to go – mind and body completely intact.” As she stood, four of the ninjas lunged at her. All four rebounded from the force field and scattered across the room. “Thanks for lunch, Akiko-chan. And be sure to invite me to your next crimelords conference. I’ll bring the centerpieces.”


Late the next day in Parodiopolis

Elizabeth von Zemo’s rented limousine pulled up in front of an undistinguished townhouse in Dullard’s Corner. Looking out the tinted windows, the Baroness grumbled to herself. “Luxury townhouse? It’s smaller than Akiko’s bathroom! German restaurant around the corner? Right, ‘Schmidt’s Pizza’. And the condos next door look as if the fire department has been using them for practice. If I weren’t so jet-lagged, I’d go and turn Mr. Roni Y. Avis into an inferior grade of sauerbraten. But that will have to wait for tomorrow.”



“




[1] It had been the “Eternal Flowers of Happiness” restaurant before the owner’s son decided to modernize the name.






ool-43570953.dyn.optonline.net (67.87.9.83) U.S. Network
Windows XP (0.32 points)
[ Reply ] [ New ] [ Email To Friend ] [ Printable ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v2.2 © 2003-2005 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004 by Mangacool Adventure